You want Men in Black? Listen Bud, I'm the original Man-In-Black.

Majestic12? I'm one step ahead.
You don't know my name.
You don't know my face.
You know me only as...

The one that got away.

Welcome! Now I bet you've heard all about Majestic 12 - that top secret, covert group
designed to keep the lid on all evidence of the existence of UFOs and extraterrestrials.
And keep YOU in the dark about the TRUTH of what is really going on.

You haven't?

Then what are you here reading this for, dumbass?

Well there weren't only 12 of them - there were 13. And I am Majestic 13 - the one who got away with the really juicy shit. I'm in hiding now and, the guys won't like it, but - rather than just rot away in Roswell Retirement Home - I'd like to share my Ultra Cosmic Top Secret files and information with YOU!

Count yourself lucky, dude. I've been described as a "Deep Throat". Well I've seen the film and I find that kinda offensive. I just want to educate you guys. Stay tuned for regular updates. If you can't handle the TRUTH, then look no further!

04/01/04

Tex Mess Up

HowHowdy's! Hope you had a swell Christmas and New Year. I
can't remember mine. Last time I go to a Christmas
party disguised as Michael Hesseman. I just don't know
when to stop...

Since my last update, I've been encouraged to make an appearance at the next UFO Congress in Laughlin, Nevada. Well now, this has reminded me of a little incident that occurred at the last one. Here's an article from the March 2003 issue of International UFO Investigation Quarterly (distribution numbers of 12 and rising)...

This years International UFO Congress at Laughlin, Nevada was reduced to uproar when Richard Headshines new PR consultant Doreen Blast, lost control of her balconnette during his introduction and accidentally force fed three bemused Korean delegates in the front row... She was so shocked by this apparent Faux Pas in front of her new boss that she started to choke on her Wrigley's professional. Seeing her plight, one of the Koreans, leapt onto the stage and attempted to take her from behind in what appeared to be an advanced "Heimlich Manouvre" Well, the next thing we knew, there was a tremendous explosion from the upper front region of the heaving couple and everything went black...

Richard Headshine was hoping to enjoy a welcome return to the limelight after mysteriously disappearing a couple of years ago. Apparently, back home in England he had told his family "Just popping out for a Tex-Mex" but he never came back.

Miss Blast maintains that she has never willingly received breast implants of any kind. In fact, she has an extraterrestrial explanation for them. "I was abducted from my bed by alien beings", she says. "It was embarrassing - I mean, I had company, y' know...
They took me to their ship, prodded and probed me and performed a highly intrusive and intimate procedure. I didn't mind. But when I woke up later back in bed, I found that my breasts had expanded."

Reports of aliens inserting implants into the nose, feet, eyes or teeth of victims are common. But if true, this would be the first known case of alien breast implants.

Headshine's re-appearance at the Congress, known affectionately as the Laugh-in, caused a media scrum. Socialite, gossip columnist and close friend of his Virginia Bruno was visibly emotional, having witnessed proceedings at close quarters.

"To have Rick back is wonderful", she said. "But I feel so sorry for Doreen. I'm very fond of the pair of them and the whole thing is a real shock. They're such a lovely pair too!"

Former American military man and UFO witness Harry Burrow was asked to stand in for Mr Headshine, who was recovering from shock. Known for his easy going charm and natural stage presence, he made a valiant attempt to calm down a frantic audience.

"Guys, guys, get back from the stage. There's still some silicon up here, someone's gonna have an accident!", he drawled...

Popular ufologist Mick Hope was later heard to comment, "If only I could afford the bloody stalls on my Civil Service pay..."

I'm happy to report that Miss Blast is soon to undergo surgery to repair the damage to her ego. "I'm hoping the doctors can put some of that stuff back in", she says. "I mean, I'd kind of got used to their new size. Now they just seem so... small."

18/12/02

Christmas Bunk Ups.

Hello again. I was just sitting here alone in my secret bunker, putting up some Christmas decorations (ya know, those fragments from the Roswell crash in my possession really come in handy as baubles) and I got to thinkin' about the true meaning of the holiday season. Unlike most of you lot, I won't be visited by relatives I haven't seen all year. No searching round department stores, spending all my dollars on gifts for the special people in my life. No filling my belly with ungodly amounts of food and no passing out in front of the TV set afterwards. And definitely no office party.

Praise the Lord!

It might be a pretty lonely life hiding out here from the secret government but believe me, I've had my share of over-indulgence and wild festive parties in years gone by. Now you might get the impression that S4 (in Area 51, for those of you who don't pay attention) is run by dull guys with beards who wear dirty white lab coats to bed. And in most cases you'd be right. But come the annual Christmas party and they really let it all hang out! I recall one office do in the 80s. This guy Hank, who had been working on an alien virus biological warfare programme, presented to us all the results of many intensive months of diligent research and painstaking scientific experimentation - an intoxicating brew so powerful that it resonated with your brain at the quantum level and drove your mind into lower vibrational realities where draconian trolls walk around on stilts and try to drink your cranial juices through musical straws.

Yes, we got royally shitfaced.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before all inhibitions disappeared into the ether and various styles of debauchery took over. Even our grey friends insisted on joining in. Course, it wouldn't be an office party without someone photocopying his ass and sending copies of it all over the building. But whoever's ass it was, it wasn't human - there was no butthole!

Sheesh.

Anyway I had to take a leak, so I staggered - or floated - over to the little boys' room. I went in and heard these damn weird sounds - like shrieking or something. I looked around and there, in the cubicle, were two Zeta Reticulans copulating like crazy. And let me tell ya - it was weird, man. I ain't ever seen anything so goddamn bizarre in all my life - and trust me, I've seen some strange things in my time. You might ask how they manage it without obvious sexual organs, but believe me - ya don't wanna know!

Even Hank got in on the act. I think I've still got footage of it someplace - purely in the name of scientific research, you understand. Someone suggested I might sell it to Ray Santilli, but we only send him the crappy stuff.

Oh yeah - you know the Alien Interview vid which came out a few years back? Allegedly leaked out by a guy called 'Victor'? That was filmed at the party too!

Remember how Bob Dean went on about how sick the alien looked and how inhumanely it was treated?

Bullshit!

The dumb critter had only tried to levitate a pickled onion into his mouth, misjudged the trajectory and lodged it inside his scrawny little neck! We were attempting simply to encourage the EBE to eject said food item in an outward direction. You'll be happy to know we succeeded and you'll never know how relieved we were that he survived his ordeal. A dead alien on our hands would have severely damaged our inter-species cloning programme.

And of course a party would be nothing without ladies.

We knew we could rely on Bob Lazar there. He always knew where to, um, find the very best girls in Nevada. Any time, day or night. Heh. And to impress a lady, you've just gotta take her for a quick spin in a shiny, sleek vehicle. Sports model, back-engineered to perfection, anti-matter reactor purring like a pussycat. We flew round the block a couple of times and freaked out some guys at the Little A'Le'Inn - that's always good for a laugh!

Good times for sure. But this year? Heck, I'm just happy to relax awhile, have a few drinks and enjoy myself quietly. Besides, you never know who might beam down to say hi. I might even invite Hank.

Have a swell Christmas, y'all! Here's to 2003...

6/11/02

CATTLE MUTILATIONS -
NEW EVIDENCE OF GENETIC MANIPULATION.

Following a startling report that was received this week at Majestic HQ, I drove down to Cornwall to investigate evidence that cattle have been genetically interfered with by species not native to this planet... Now I know that a lot of you are going to email me to tell me that this sort of thing has been going on for years in Wales, but let me just point out that that was _SHEEP_ not COWS! Anyway I hot footed it down to the Land of the Pastie with my notebook and my wellies to find out just what has been going on down there since all the grockles went home. Arriving at Fowey on a wet Thursday at the end of October, I was met by a charming gentleman, name of Adam Malroy, Editor-in-Chief of the CE Review, a distinguished Cornish investigative journal. We quickly re-located to the snug of a local hostelry and there, sitting in front of a roaring log fire, Adam began to unfold a most disturbing story...

It began with the mysterious disappearance of Dr. C.Z. Lhune, an Austrian professor of microbiology now based in Korea, who was on a noir-sabbatical from Seoul University. Dr Lhune was working on a Gaseous Memory Reconstruction Agent and was keen to sample a range of emissions. Cornwall is known around the world as a Hot-Spot for Radon and other radioactive gasses but apparently less well known for it's considerably more prolific emissions of Methane. Lhune had been staying at the St Petroc's Hotel in Padstow and was carrying out field research at sites between Padstow and Fowey during the summer. Failing to report back to Seoul University at the start of term, some of his students had called the hotel to enquire as to his whereabouts... The Hotel were equally keen to find him as he had failed to book out at the end of his stay and the spare keys to his locked bedroom were missing. On hearing the news, the hotel management decided to force entry to the room and found the room still full of the good Herr Docktors belongings. His diary lay open on the desk and the last entry was Tuesday 3rd September 2002. It read ...

"...Was out in the High Field, this afternoon looking for some new emissions when through my field glasses I spotted some strange dark coloured markings at the bottom of the field near the copse. They were not there yesterday, so I went over to see what they were. I was met by a most nauseating smell and when I approached I could see five black skin like pouches lying on the ground. I would liken them in texture to sharks eggs but of immense size. I would estimate that each one could have held thirty to forty gallons of Kronenbourg. Four were empty but the fifth sack was emitting a smell similar to rotting caviar and appeared to have something inside it. I decided to return to the hotel, record this find in my diary, collect my tape recorder and my Gerber Multi Tool and return to the site this evening..." This was the last entry in the diary.

The UFORM/Majestic 13 - Research Vehicle at the Copse in High Field.

Now increasingly concerned for the good Doctors health and knowing that I was the UK contact for Dr Lhune, the hotel contacted me and asked me to help investigate the disappearance. I decided to pay a visit to the farm where the Doctor had been working and in the company of the Farm Manager we visited High Field to see if we could find any evidence of the Doctors whereabouts or his strange sighting. As we approached the copse there was no sign of the Doctor or the strange sacks and we were about to leave the field when Sithny the farm managers dog started barking and scrabbling at the ground. The dog picked something up and dropped it at his masters feet. On picking it up, we found that it was the Doctors tape recorder, now caked in mud. We took it back to the farmhouse and carefully cleaned it, before removing the tape from inside. The tape was quite clean so we put it into the farmers cassette player and pressed the button...

" Heavy Breathing, I'm... valking across the field... it's about 9.45 pm... I'm later than I vanted to be but I haf my torch und my Gerber so vill be OK... Approaching the site of the strange sacks... I can see ze fifth von. Now I'm going to cut it open vit my Gerber Multi-Tool, Got! eet stvinks!" Sounds of exertion... "Eet is so tough I can hardly cut it. Ze sack is smooth on ze outside vit no markings. Cutting in now... Zee schmell I can hardly shtand it... Got in Himmel! vot is zis... Zee sack is bursting open. Ach I'm covered in ze stuff. Inside, Oh Got, zere is a schmall bovine fetus, it iss badly decomposing... How can zis be. How CAN zis Be? Zere is a noise behind me... Sudden light, blinding blue light in ze copse... vot is zis. I can see someone in the light... small... a child? No... Not Human... Got NO... ARRGGGHH!"

The tape ran on for another forty minutes of complete silence with only the odd sound of a night animal... Over the next few weeks, more and more sightings of these strange egg-like packages were reported from all over Cornwall.

"Skin Debris" Photographed near Padstow in Cornwall - Photo's Courtesy of Adam Malroy - CE Review.

After the disappearance of Dr Lhune, people were advised to stay away from the eggs. Some of the eggs were found in a quarry near St Austell and after a fortnight, they burst open sprouting a strange hexagonal shaped froth of immense proportions.

When the froth disappeared, there in the quarry were four, perfectly formed baby cows.

Adam put down his pint and looked me straight in the eye. We are getting reports of more and more of these things... It's getting out of hand. We believe that they are spreading North, which is why I contacted you I think Dafyd Clayton the mutilation specialist may be interested and we know that you can contact him. Please do so urgently...

...We've now got photographs of un-hatched eggs from all over Cornwall on the website... Please tell everyone that you can...

For copyright reasons, Majestic 13 is unable to print photographs of the eggs but Adam has kindly given us permission to link to the CE Review Homepage, where you will find detailed photographs of the eggs, together with the latest news on this distressing development.

CE Review Homepage and Photographs - Click Here

29/10/02

RENDLESHAM - NO MORE CONFUSION

Hi, Conspiracy Geeks! Just kidding. You know, a lot of people come up to me - well, not a lot obviously, 'cause I'm hiding in my secret installation most of the time - and they say, "Excuse me, MJ13..." - actually, they don't call me that either since I'm pretty much always in disguise - "I'm really confused about the Rendlesham Forest incident.

Was it a crash, or was it a landing? Was it alien, or was it a military aircraft? Was it at Woodbridge, or was it at Bentwaters? Are they the same thing? And what's the deal with the lighthouse and mating hedgehogs? Please help me - I want some answers!"

Just let me pause there and go back to disguises for a moment. Allow me to give you the benefit of my experience.

Should you ever find yourself in my position - ie you're a former member of a secret cabal involved in the scrutiny and cover up of various paradigm-shifting events, to which the elected representatives are not privy, and you decide to risk your job, family, pension and life itself by going public with your revelations - make sure you get a good disguise.

Hiding yourself away every day can get quite depressing and I like to get out from time to time, to see baseball games and meet guys like you at UFO conferences. Naturally, to be able to do this without being recognised and arrested, I have a range of extremely lifelike face masks. But just be careful which mask you wear - only recently, I was at the Quest International UFO Conference in Leeds, England, looking around and checking out the chicks.

Suddenly, one of the delegates walks right up to me, slaps me round the face and accuses me of orchestrating a cover up! I thought, "Hell, I've been rumbled!" And then I realised - I'd completely forgotten that I was wearing a Nick Pope face mask!

Not So Good!

Strange though - a couple of ladies there came up to me and said, "Hey, Nicky! You were wild in Leeds. Whaddaya say we catch up where we left off?" Maybe having his face ain't as bad as I thought.

Good!

Now, back to Rendlesham. In December 1980, I got an invitation from Gordon Williams to come and stay at the base over Christmas 'cause "something big's gonna go down".

At the time, I was working on some real serious mind control/advanced technology type stuff at Area 51 and I thought it might be nice to join the guys for the holidays and show off what I had. Well, what's the point in working your ass off day and night, bending the laws of physics, if you can't share it with some buddies?
Anyway, I get to Woodbridge - or is it Bentwaters, I can never remember - and it turns out they've only arranged the biggest Christmas booze up in military history. They even had to shift a few nukes to make room for the endless crates of beer - cool! Needless to say, it wasn't long before we were in the forest, drunk as skunks, dancing around, singing, climbing trees and generally having fun. Then I thought, "These English guys like to party, let's really kick this thing off!"
So I took the lid off my party box of MKULTRA/Star Wars pulse beam/reality displacement technology and - boom! Fireworks!

Next thing I know, they're all there - Halt, Williams, Jenny Randles... actually, no, that last one was some guy in a face mask - freaking out and running around like crazy people! The rest is history. By the way, Larry Warren was there too...

One night after Christmas, me and the fellas were in an underground base under the forest, knocking back Buds, and I invited him down to join in the party. He seemed a bit nervous at first, so I gave him a quick shot with my microwave neuron displacement hypno-blaster, just to calm him down a bit.

We had some fancy dress costumes lying around from the season's festivities, so I put on a grey alien suit and started talking like one of those Zeta Reticulan guys! Larry went pale as a ghost, I coulda sworn he thought I was the real thing! Funny, huh!? I swear that every word of the above is true. Oh, and the triangular craft? Well, even aliens like to party.

More soon on Rendlesham...

MJ13

ABDUCTION ADVICE

We'll since I "came out" and the majestic13 website went live, I have to say that my email box has been stuffed with messages from all of you abductees. I hear what you are saying! If only you'd known what to say to your abductors! Well I put my thinking cap on and I've come up with a list of the questions you didn't ought to have asked! Here it is then...

10 Things NOT to say to an Alien!

Where ELSE do you go for your holidays?

What Sun Factor do I need for Zeta Reticuli?

Should I pack Stematil or do you have a convenience store on board?

What is the protocol for in-flight farting - should I say "sorry" or just think it?

How old will I be when I get back - should I pack some anti-wrinkle cream?

Are there any stores that stock Kodak Advantix on the Orion Nebula?

What's that Offal smell?

Haven't you got tired of Elvis yet?

Are those Foster Grant or Oakley contact lenses?

Are you trained in the Martian Arts?

Oh! By the way what do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
... You keep hearing about them but you never see any ;-)

Well that just about wraps it up for now, I'll be back soon with more hot news.

MJ13.

Got Some Hot Poop? Wanna Jaw? Or just been abducted and goosed by an alien!
Mail me anyways...

I'm

majestic13@uform.org.

(Majestic 13 is ficticious as are all of the characters in his escapades. Majestic 13 is copyright Matt Waterhouse, UFO Research Midlands 2001, stories by Matt Waterhouse and Peter Kimberley.)